I've finally seen Transformers. If you haven't yet seen it yourself but still plan to, please avoid the rest of this post. To get to the point, I hated it. If I was to give it a score I'd give it three stars. That's not so bad, if you thought it was a score given out of a possible five, but no. It's 3/10 from me. It's not as if the cinema experience was ruined and I was surrounded by children who could annoy me by throwing popcorn or discussing the intricacies of eating fine imported crayons. The film managed to suck all on it's own.
When I saw the 12 certificate, I wasn't expecting the film to be written and directed by people with the abilities of a 12 year old, aiming for a 12 year old market. I'm going to just list out some moments here which made the film unbearable:
-The dialogue (i.e. Optimus flippin' Prime saying "My bad". Why not add "My bad, homie, you knows I'm keeping it gansta in this hizzle". Oh, and the predictable jokes.
-John Turtorro's pointless character.
-Bumblebee "lubricating" John Turturro's pointless character. High-larious.
-John Turtorro's novelty boxer shorts. That wasn't predictable at all, at all.
-The final fight scene kept cutting away from the action. But even during the fight scenes, it was hard to tell apart the giant spiky robot blobs apart. Also, it was hard to care about the action and the danger to humans. All the damage happened to empty buildings and vehicles with no loss of life.
-What plan did they have by the way? "Quick! Climb that building with the cube and climb in that slow helicopter to escape a fighter plane!".
-If there's anything that was done right, they managed to get the token hot girl. Well done on that.
Where can Michael Bay go from here? In an interview with Entertainment Weekly (found here) he said: "I've got a lot of ideas for the next one. There's a lot of really cool, big robot stuff that I had in my head that we didn't do. I just want to see how this works. You might not grow as much as a director [to do a sequel]". The thing is, he's never grown as a director [since Bad Boys]. But, yeah, the thought of really cool, big robot stuff with the obligatory shaky cam/ direct sunlight between characters/ multiple helicopter swoop shots/ mulitple explosions/ multiple car chases is really exciting to me...
If I was given a chance to see Transformers again or witness Sean Bán Breathnach "singing" again then I know which one I'd find more entertaining. The often slated "War Of The Worlds" was much more entertaining than this malarkey (I love that word). If you think I'm being too harsh in saying the film is stupid and that you're stupid for liking the movie, you're wrong. I'm merely implying it.
Here's a little picture I made up after coming up with an interesting spin-off idea for Transformers. It seems that with the Decepticons disposed of and with no reason for them to attack Earth, sure what else is a shy sports car to do?
Click for a large version if you're into that kind of thing. Bumblebee has some cans by the way...
The truth is that this summer sucked for movies. It's nowhere near as good a year for films like last year or even next year which will include The Dark Knight. If you're up to seeing possible spoilers, check out the 18 new photos from the new Batman movie. It's still another ten months until the film release and I already know too much about the film. Chances are, however, that these are all screenshots from the trailer that's coming up in December.
The month before that (November, just before you have to go check out the calender- it's one of my nice guy qualities) that Bond 22 will be released and there's a production photo online already. Good times.